Okay. SO.
I'm writing this as a movie review because I want to feel like the 2.5 hours spent doing this today weren't a complete waste of my time.
The new Little Mermaid was a complete travesty of a film. Besides the blatant "We've made changes to appease the masses - did you notice? Did ya? Did ya?!" crap, there are so many random plot holes they *added* to the story instead of solving old problems.
Don't get me started on the complete BS claim that this movie is "live action" - it's not, it's 75% CGI, and not even GOOD CGI. They could've done better and chose not to. Whoever the filmographer was who insisted on swirling camera angles - be glad more people haven't yet reported puking while seeing this.
In order to resolve Sebastian's patois, they set the whole film in the nonspecific Caribbean. That would be a great change, except our prince Eric is still a white dude - how do they get away with what would be interpreted as colonization, you ask? Well, by making him an orphan who washed up on shore and was adopted by the otherwise childless black king and queen, of course! Why they needed to give Eric some half-assed backstory that is 1) Mentioned more than once but 2) Has absolutely no bearing on the plot, nor is his feeling like he doesn't belong on the throne resolved at the movie's end - - I will never know. I found it very frustrating.
Sebastian and Ursula are played like caricatures of their original cartoon counterparts, which would be fine as they have very quotable lines, but the fact that they stand out as said caricatures is jarring. They gave Melissa McCarthy near identical blocking for her scenes. Why not go all the way and cast a drag queen? Or Lizzo?? It would've been an appropriate change, versus casting Javier Bardem as Triton with some unidentifiable accent that didn't match any of his daughters. You know, for giving Eric so much attention re: where he came from and why he and his mother don't have matching complexions, they sure do gloss over why Triton's daughters are all different. Did they all have different mothers? Or are we supposed to have suspension of disbelief in here somewhere because it's f*cking fictional??!
A big deal is made re: Ariel's mother, who was allegedly killed by humans. But we don't find out the circumstances of her death, and a good portion of the human characters treat the idea of "The Sea Gods" as myth, including Eric. So which is it? Do they know for sure merpeople exist because they killed one, or don't they? It's why Triton doesn't trust the humans, but he "gets over it" for Ariel's sake at the end, and the suggestion to turn her human comes from Sebastian, which makes Triton ultimately unsympathetic all around.
Why not reveal at the end that Ursula killed Ariel's mother out of jealousy, freeing Triton from his grudge and allowing the above sea and below sea worlds to truly unite? Big missed opportunity here.
One of the plot holes in the original story is that Ariel should've been able to explain who she is because she can write and read - evidenced by her contract with Ursula. The new film resolves this by having Ariel remove one of her scales to throw it into the cauldron, binding it with blood (nevermind that when the debacle is over and she goes back to her mer-form, that shit is *still bleeding*). They also try to add distance by...having Ursula offhandedly mention that she added a caveat to her spell and Ariel won't remember that she needs to kiss the prince, no matter how hard she tries, including if someone (i.e. Sebastian) flat out tells her she needs to get his kiss.
Um. What?? How the hell does she forgetting the kiss part make any difference? Ariel has the hots for Eric still. She doesn't forget that she wants to see him. Doesn't forget that she wants to be near him, but...forgets that they have to kiss? What are we supposed to think she wants to have happen by the end of the third day if it's not to get the damn thing she's after??!!
I didn't register the changed lyrics of "Kiss The Girl" as adding any sense of more consent, as has been argued against the song. If anything, having Ariel forget the kiss is what removes her agency here! We don't need Ariel's explicit consent in the cartoon because we know she wants to kiss him. It's why she's there! Why add a plot hole where one isn't needed?
I will praise a few things: Grimsby is the feel-good comfort side character. Read that again. Not Sebastion, Scuttle, or Flounder. Fucking GRIMSBY. His performance didn't feel like he was having his teeth pulled despite his stilted expositional dialogue. The actress they got to play Vanessa (Ursula's human form) NAILED the performance when she was found out. The look on her face when she screams, "You're too late!" is in itself a master class on expression without just using volume to convey emotion. Bravo to her.
The animals in this movie, much like the problems with Live-Action Lion King (which I did not see for this reason) appear lifeless and without any sense of charm. Flounder and Sebastian are cute because they can have exaggerated expressions. Why they didn't think to combine the very lovable and exuberant features of Finding Nemo's sea life with the human actors, I will never know. I didn't think it was possible to deflate the charm out of "Under The Sea" (and remember, I saw the debut performance of The Little Mermaid's Broadway show, so I've seen this done in a few mediums), but this movie's version fell totally flat.
Ariel's expression at the end of the film confused me. She doesn't come across as excited and ready for adventure with Eric - she looks remorseful and saddened to leave the life and family she knows. It's a tearful end, not a happy one.
Not to mention because the characters underwater have CGI hair that constantly moves because they're, you know, underwater, the sudden change when Triton is seen up above is laughable. He goes from cheesy CGI to looking, frankly, like a wet dog. How could they do this to Javier Bardem??!
In short: Don't see the new Little Mermaid. Watch the second-worst Little Mermaid movie for a better time - I of course mean, The Little Mermaid 2 Return to the Sea. That one's at least kinda funny.
::shudders::